Frequent Traveler

This place trades on exclusivity. The website even claims it is “the world’s most exclusive resort”. It is not. I know this for a fact because I am fairly certain the world’s most exclusive resort would not see it fit to include me. I am also fairly certain the world’s most exclusive resort cannot be so easily found in a google search.

 

Parrot Cay, is, however, quite exclusive. The resort and a handful of private homes sit on its their own island. Rumored owners of said homes include Bruce Willis, Donna Karan and a few other big names. I can confirm Mr. Willis and his girlfriend take their meals at the resort’s poolside restaurant, so that one might be more than a rumor. The cool thing is that this is the kind of place where everyone will leave an instantly recognizable movie star and his statuesque girlfriend alone. Exclusive, indeed. The rest of the guests included one NFL player, a couple of captains of industry (I joked with my wife that the accessory I should have brought, but did not, was my resume), and a couple of people who looked familiar but may or may not have been famous, plus your run-of-the mill couples splurging on a nice vacation (that’s the non-exclusive part). Other guests are generally friendly but not at all intrusive. The honeymooning couples seemed to have formed a clique. We befriended one Belgian family which proved conclusively that children (four daughters!) can still be brought up to be respectful of their parents and other adults around them. If I have kids, I want them to grow up Belgian. The guests also were fairly diverse—mostly couples but also a few families—and I counted the following nationalities represented: American, Argentine, Brazilian, Belgian, British, Costa Rican, Italian, Canadian, Spanish, and Pakistani. Non-human guests included a miniature schnauzer, a shi-tzu, and a weiner dog, so yes, the place is quite dog friendly. At least half of the people we talked to were return visitors. This in a resort with less than fifty rooms.

 

So the crowd was pleasant and mostly attractive. The place? Blessed with unspoiled beauty. The only other beaches I have been to that might rival this one were in the Maldives. TCI is much closer. The sand is bright white, The water is jewel-toned clear. The weather is sunny windy and in the 80s. The ocean water temperature is perfect. The beach is never crowded thanks to difficulty of accessing it (a 30 minute, 500-HP speedboat ride from the international airport on the island of Providenciales. Can’t say much more—this place is naturally, absolutely beautiful.

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The grounds and common areas are attractive, well maintained, and lacking pretense. The Caribbean/Mediterranean architecture struck me as odd. The spa buildings (there’s like 6 of them) offer all kinds of services, are newer and offer more of a Balinese feel to them (COMO is an Indonesian company). The spa is rumored to be one of the very best. It looked great. The poolside restaurant, Lotus, is far more attractive than the Terrace, in the main building. More on the food later. The whole place smells great—they have mastered the art of appealing to the sense of smell in all the common areas with roofs over therm.

 

The room itself had some highs and lows. It was spacious, comfortable, and well appointed and very clean. The juxtaposition of styles-modern teak furniture, all white walls and linens, terra-cotta floors, a Formica desk and shelving and wooden walls that look like floor-to-ceiling wainscoting–just did not work together well. The bed was great with top-quality sheets. Their proprietary line of toiletries is awesome and keeps the room smelling great, and the Turkish cotton towels are an appropriate indulgence. A large deck faced the garden and a tiny little bit of ocean (more expensive digs get you better views). It turned out to be a romantic, private area to share a bottle of wine at the end of each day. The mosquito net on the four-post bed is redundant—there’s powerful air conditioning and no bugs. The mini-bar, oddly, is on the outside deck, a possible reason why ours did not cool at all. There were a number of glitches with the room, that however minor, are inexcusable in a place like this:

• All of the locks required technique, jiggling, patience and ultimately brute force to operate.
• Housekeeping staff was stingy with replacement toiletries
• A/C randomly got noisy (though fortunately not often—and not at night, or at least not loud enough to wake us)
• Showerhead had really seen better days
• Bathroom in general, though impeccably clean, could use some updating.

 

Service was generally top notch. The room itself is serviced three times a day. A generous plate of fresh fruit awaited every afternoon in the room, and on the first night, it was accompanied by an entirely decent bottle of Piper Heidsieck Brut. For the pain and suffering incurred in seven years of marriage to me, my  wife received a nice hand-embroidered and lavishly wrapped beach sarong. Nice touch. Bottles of Fiji water accompany the evening service. Complimentary flip flops and other nice freebies abound in the room.

 

Wind water sports are complimentary (sailing and windsurfing are easy and fun), as is towel service at the pool and the beach. The gym is well equipped but the air conditioning was at best unconvincing. Free tea and scones are served in the library every afternoon, where you will find books, board games, a big flat screen TV, four internet terminals and free pool and ping-pong. Free still bottled water is available throughout the resort. Everything else costs approximately one arm and one leg. But when you consider the cost to build in a remote location, the cost to bring first-class supplies, food, materials and equipment, a guesstimated staff to guest ratio of 2:1, and the aforementioned “exclusivity”, what is expensive?

 

Interestingly, most of the customer-facing staff is Asian, primarily from Indonesia and India. This is a good thing, because the few locals on staff definitely had a different (and generally unpleasant) attitude towards guests. This could be a product of the resort creating a two-class system between “ex-pats” and “belongers”, or simply cultural difference, or a training snafu. Whatever the cause, it is palpable and unbecoming.

 

Now for the food. Outside of a couple of missteps, I give it an A. Not only did it taste good, but the program achieves significant variety out of just two kitchens. The wine program is good, and there are decent bottles to be had from $50-$500. I was surprised by its variety, again given the logistical challenge of getting and keeping wine safely at this far-off location. But perhaps the most impressive thing is that this is the first time I felt like I ate healthy for five straight days without ever feeling deprived—that is a monumental accomplishment for someone who quite literally has dreams about steak, bacon, butter, pasta and other less than stellar nutrition chart components.

 

The two restaurants are quite different, and in ambiance, Lotus by the pool is by far the more pleasant place to eat. But both are nice spaces that fit the mood well. In the interest of space, I will list the standouts from our five day stay as well as the misses. Winners were:

• Grilled soft-shell crab
• Eggs benedict
• Steak fries. (WOW)
• Prosciutto, parmesan, asparagus and arrugula salad
• Fresh-shucked oysters
• Tortellini with giant prawns
• Gazpacho (just an amuse-bouche but really good—should be a menu item)
• Blueberry pancakes
• Grilled prawns with corn, chili and avocado salsa (my favorite of all)
• Wagyu beef sirloin
• Grouper burger (trust me, try it)
• Wagyu burger with proscuitto and gruyere (proscuitto instead of bacon makes this special)
• Coconut toasted waffle
• Stir-fried clams
• Grilled prawns with mango-peanut relish
• Fresh cod with coconut milk and lemongrass
• Rice noodles with pork
• Edamame and bean sprout salad with white miso dressing

 

Losers were few but included:

• Roasted scallops (lacked taste)
• Egg-white frittata (lacked seasoning)
• Seafood stew (was just ok, but the waiter promised it had no fish, which turned out to be its main ingredient)
• Mushroom and pepper salad (too oily, peppers too bitter, Portobello too mushy)
• Grilled marlin with pesto (too oily—horrible tabouleh salad accompanied it)

 

 

Yes, there were a few glitches, but after five days, its easy to understand why so many fellow guests were repeat visitors. I would absolutely go back, but possibly spring for one of the beach villas (separate structures with their own pool facing the beach) and the all-inclusive plan. When you are spending this much money, you might as well go for it, and now that I know the food is top-notch, the meal plan doesn’t scare me. I will bring my dog, too. Before I do, I would like them to fix the damn locks and turn on the A/C in the gym. Otherwise, this is one of those vacations people describe as “paradise” with good reason.

 

Highly Recommended.

 

Parrot Cay Como Shambhala Resort & Spa—Turks and Caicos Islands