Frequent Traveler

This place trades on exclusivity. The website even claims it is “the world’s most exclusive resort”. It is not. I know this for a fact because I am fairly certain the world’s most exclusive resort would not see it fit to include me. I am also fairly certain the world’s most exclusive resort cannot be so easily found in a google search.

Parrot Cay, is, however, quite exclusive. The resort and a handful of private homes sit on its their own island. Rumored owners of said homes include Bruce Willis, Donna Karan and a few other big names. I can confirm Mr. Willis and his girlfriend take their meals at the resort’s poolside restaurant, so that one might be more than a rumor. The cool thing is that this is the kind of place where everyone will leave an instantly recognizable movie star and his statuesque girlfriend alone. Exclusive, indeed. The rest of the guests included one NFL player, a couple of captains of industry (I joked with my wife that the accessory I should have brought, but did not, was my resume), and a couple of people who looked familiar but may or may not have been famous, plus your run-of-the mill couples splurging on a nice vacation (that’s the non-exclusive part). Other guests are generally friendly but not at all intrusive. The honeymooning couples seemed to have formed a clique. We befriended one Belgian family which proved conclusively that children (four daughters!) can still be brought up to be respectful of their parents and other adults around them. If I have kids, I want them to grow up Belgian. The guests also were fairly diverse—mostly couples but also a few families—and I counted the following nationalities represented: American, Argentine, Brazilian, Belgian, British, Costa Rican, Italian, Canadian, Spanish, and Pakistani. Non-human guests included a miniature schnauzer, a shi-tzu, and a weiner dog, so yes, the place is quite dog friendly. At least half of the people we talked to were return visitors. This in a resort with less than fifty rooms.

So the crowd was pleasant and mostly attractive. The place? Blessed with unspoiled beauty. The only other beaches I have been to that might rival this one were in the Maldives. TCI is much closer. The sand is bright white, The water is jewel-toned clear. The weather is sunny windy and in the 80s. The ocean water temperature is perfect. The beach is never crowded thanks to difficulty of accessing it (a 30 minute, 500-HP speedboat ride from the international airport on the island of Providenciales. Can’t say much more—this place is naturally, absolutely beautiful.

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The grounds and common areas are attractive, well maintained, and lacking pretense. The Caribbean/Mediterranean architecture struck me as odd. The spa buildings (there’s like 6 of them) offer all kinds of services, are newer and offer more of a Balinese feel to them (COMO is an Indonesian company). The spa is rumored to be one of the very best. It looked great. The poolside restaurant, Lotus, is far more attractive than the Terrace, in the main building. More on the food later. The whole place smells great—they have mastered the art of appealing to the sense of smell in all the common areas with roofs over therm.

The room itself had some highs and lows. It was spacious, comfortable, and well appointed and very clean. The juxtaposition of styles-modern teak furniture, all white walls and linens, terra-cotta floors, a Formica desk and shelving and wooden walls that look like floor-to-ceiling wainscoting–just did not work together well. The bed was great with top-quality sheets. Their proprietary line of toiletries is awesome and keeps the room smelling great, and the Turkish cotton towels are an appropriate indulgence. A large deck faced the garden and a tiny little bit of ocean (more expensive digs get you better views). It turned out to be a romantic, private area to share a bottle of wine at the end of each day. The mosquito net on the four-post bed is redundant—there’s powerful air conditioning and no bugs. The mini-bar, oddly, is on the outside deck, a possible reason why ours did not cool at all. There were a number of glitches with the room, that however minor, are inexcusable in a place like this:

• All of the locks required technique, jiggling, patience and ultimately brute force to operate.
• Housekeeping staff was stingy with replacement toiletries
• A/C randomly got noisy (though fortunately not often—and not at night, or at least not loud enough to wake us)
• Showerhead had really seen better days
• Bathroom in general, though impeccably clean, could use some updating.

Service was generally top notch. The room itself is serviced three times a day. A generous plate of fresh fruit awaited every afternoon in the room, and on the first night, it was accompanied by an entirely decent bottle of Piper Heidsieck Brut. For the pain and suffering incurred in seven years of marriage to me, my  wife received a nice hand-embroidered and lavishly wrapped beach sarong. Nice touch. Bottles of Fiji water accompany the evening service. Complimentary flip flops and other nice freebies abound in the room.

Wind water sports are complimentary (sailing and windsurfing are easy and fun), as is towel service at the pool and the beach. The gym is well equipped but the air conditioning was at best unconvincing. Free tea and scones are served in the library every afternoon, where you will find books, board games, a big flat screen TV, four internet terminals and free pool and ping-pong. Free still bottled water is available throughout the resort. Everything else costs approximately one arm and one leg. But when you consider the cost to build in a remote location, the cost to bring first-class supplies, food, materials and equipment, a guesstimated staff to guest ratio of 2:1, and the aforementioned “exclusivity”, what is expensive?

Interestingly, most of the customer-facing staff is Asian, primarily from Indonesia and India. This is a good thing, because the few locals on staff definitely had a different (and generally unpleasant) attitude towards guests. This could be a product of the resort creating a two-class system between “ex-pats” and “belongers”, or simply cultural difference, or a training snafu. Whatever the cause, it is palpable and unbecoming.

Now for the food. Outside of a couple of missteps, I give it an A. Not only did it taste good, but the program achieves significant variety out of just two kitchens. The wine program is good, and there are decent bottles to be had from $50-$500. I was surprised by its variety, again given the logistical challenge of getting and keeping wine safely at this far-off location. But perhaps the most impressive thing is that this is the first time I felt like I ate healthy for five straight days without ever feeling deprived—that is a monumental accomplishment for someone who quite literally has dreams about steak, bacon, butter, pasta and other less than stellar nutrition chart components.

The two restaurants are quite different, and in ambiance, Lotus by the pool is by far the more pleasant place to eat. But both are nice spaces that fit the mood well. In the interest of space, I will list the standouts from our five day stay as well as the misses. Winners were:

• Grilled soft-shell crab
• Eggs benedict
• Steak fries. (WOW)
• Prosciutto, parmesan, asparagus and arrugula salad
• Fresh-shucked oysters
• Tortellini with giant prawns
• Gazpacho (just an amuse-bouche but really good—should be a menu item)
• Blueberry pancakes
• Grilled prawns with corn, chili and avocado salsa (my favorite of all)
• Wagyu beef sirloin
• Grouper burger (trust me, try it)
• Wagyu burger with proscuitto and gruyere (proscuitto instead of bacon makes this special)
• Coconut toasted waffle
• Stir-fried clams
• Grilled prawns with mango-peanut relish
• Fresh cod with coconut milk and lemongrass
• Rice noodles with pork
• Edamame and bean sprout salad with white miso dressing

Losers were few but included:

• Roasted scallops (lacked taste)
• Egg-white frittata (lacked seasoning)
• Seafood stew (was just ok, but the waiter promised it had no fish, which turned out to be its main ingredient)
• Mushroom and pepper salad (too oily, peppers too bitter, Portobello too mushy)
• Grilled marlin with pesto (too oily—horrible tabouleh salad accompanied it)

Yes, there were a few glitches, but after five days, its easy to understand why so many fellow guests were repeat visitors. I would absolutely go back, but possibly spring for one of the beach villas (separate structures with their own pool facing the beach) and the all-inclusive plan. When you are spending this much money, you might as well go for it, and now that I know the food is top-notch, the meal plan doesn’t scare me. I will bring my dog, too. Before I do, I would like them to fix the damn locks and turn on the A/C in the gym. Otherwise, this is one of those vacations people describe as “paradise” with good reason.

Highly Recommended.

Parrot Cay Como Shambhala Resort & Spa—Turks and Caicos Islands

About what you would expect for an old suburban business hotel. It was comfortable—the room was absolutely enormous—and clean but in desperate need of renovation. There is no view or nearby attractions, so unless you have business in this strip-mall concentration, there’s really no reason to stay there. We were there for the Grand Prix weekend (a highly recommended experience) because, having booked six months in advance, it was the best available. If you want to be downtown for the race, book 330 days prior to the Formula One weekend date. This hotel did nothing wrong but failed to impress except for exceptionally helpful staff and a pretty good breakfast buffet.

Skip it.

Hilton Laval – Montreal

You can’t do much better than this in Managua for business travel. The building itself is over thirty years old, but you would never know from seeing it from the outside or inside. All common areas are luxurious and tasteful, and the rooms are well appointed and spacious. I was a big fan of the rain shower in my room. Molton Brown toiletries give a touch of unexpected class. Breakfast on the club floor was excellent—the fruit in particular was so fresh and abundant it made it hard to save room for the other offerings, which were fine. Beware the internet: its $40 USD for a 24 hour connection! The hotel bar is a cool spot, with an attentive and friendly bartender and everything you would expect in terms of variety of libations behind him. The pool is huge and pleasant, but the gym is tiny and under-equipped. The front of the building has a nice view of Lake Nicaragua, if you ignore the mall parking lot directly in front. Recommended.

It’s easy being green at the Avalon. The showpiece of an environmentally friendly neighborhood is one of only a handful of LEED certified hotels in the country—meaning it is super efficient and causes minimal harm to the world.

The hotel faces the Willamette river. It feels a little like a W but without the loud music and with a lot more space. There are different prices for different rooms, but ours was a steal as purchased on Hotels.com. The river-facing rooms have balconies. The hotel itself is on a long bike path/walkway along the river which made for a great, picturesque Sunday morning walk during which we met a few friendly locals (mostly through their well mannered dogs) and even a couple families of geese with their goslings which were surprisingly friendly and cooperative in posing for snapshots.

We arrived late on Friday and the front desk guy, out of uniform in a flannel shirt was friendly enough. The room itself was comfortable and a good show of how being green does not have to be uncomfortable or unattractive. Everything was clean lined, modern and in good shape. My wife proclaimed the Gilchrist & Sommes products “delicious.” A flat-screen TV was missing from an otherwise thoroughly modern room—I suppose that is because those plasmas consume so much more electricity. I found the bed extremely comfortable, but be warned I like firmer beds than most people.

I am not a Spa guy, but a quick peek confirmed it was fancy—I am afraid you’ll have to look at other blogs for Spa reviews. The restaurant, Aquariva, is detached from the hotel (just a few steps) and looks stunning. It is also in a privileged location facing the river. Can’t wait to go back and try it.

A few odd things: Though there is vast parking available across from the hotel, there is no self-park option. Valet is armed robbery at $18 per day for them to drive all of 25 feet to the nearest spot. Not to mention that those cars idling longer can’t possibly be enviro-friendly! Continental breakfast is included with every room, and it is served on tables across from the elevator bank. Except on Sunday when it mysteriously moved to only the 5th and 1st floors. I am still not sure I like the concept, but hey, at least there was a healthy breakfast included. To use the business center you must get a key from the front desk

Finally, eco-friendly insulation must have a few development cycles ahead of it to catch up. We were unfortunate to be placed in a room next to a family with a toddler and an infant. We could hear the kids (and their father’s booming voice) at all times when they were in the room, including during an attempted afternoon nap as well as by 7AM each morning. I am sure we could have moved to a different room if we wanted to, but by then it was a hassle we did not want to deal with.

Overall, I suspect this is a better weekday business hotel than a weekend getaway, but I still think it’s worth a visit. Recommended.

Avalon

I am as big a points-hog as the next guy, but I will stray from chains for truly unique experiences. And the Jefferson deserves my business—and yours—for simply being better than the rest. The fact that this is a huge, historic, classy building helps. I don’t come into Richmond that often, but they remember my name and my preferences. The rooms are impeccable with nice big flat-screen TVs and a well-stocked minibar. The robes and bed linens are top notch. I usually arrive at about 1AM and the front desk is quick and friendly. On my last visit, I sat at the bar (eating a really good burger, by the way) between a big-name rap act and a big-name country band, both getting ready for their shows the next day (who knew you could celebrity-watch in Richmond?). The Molton Brown toiletries are a nice touch. Some of the rooms are small (ask when you check in) and the gym wont blow you away, but it is fine for most people. Most incredibly (to those of us that arrive starved and after midnight), room service is 24/7 and really good! When was the last time you had good room service? Stay here—you won’t miss your Marriott points I promise. Highly recommended.

Just don’t stay here. The walls are paper thin, the front desk is slow and not very helpful. There is no gift shop, so a water and aspirin run required a three block walk to a shady gas station. It’s attached to a casino, so the crowd on our stay was mixed between some scary-looking casino-goers and a very drunken sales convention. We were awakened by screaming in our hall at 3:30AM—this on a SPG premium floor. The room was nothing special and the bathroom was as small as some NYC hotels and not stocked with shampoo (though all the other standard stuff seemed to be there). The bed was OK. Skip this one if you can.